From Pizza boy to pizza MAN | Desert Island Car | Melvin + Viper

Viper

If there was anything Viper enjoyed more than teasing Abel, it was tormenting Melvin. Speaking of Melvin, she’d not actually tormented him in a little while, and that felt more than criminal. It wasn’t even hard to find him, most of the time, just follow the trail of pizza grease and despair! And so, like some pizza-guy-tracking sniffer dog, she headed off in search of him.

“Yo, Pizza man!” She called out, once his bright red Wowitts uniform came into view. I can’t believe it, he’s no longer a pizza boy… he’s a pizza man. He’s all grown up <3

Viper was already more than preparing for whatever grumbled complaints were about to be thrown her way.

Melvin Greene

Viper “Yo, Pizza man!”

Oh good. There was Viper primed to annoy him, a sound that was marginally less stress-inducing than… idk, let’s say a tornado siren. But not by much. It varied from car to car how much worse it would be. Considering the whole ‘shipwreck’ and ‘no shelter’ thing, yeah, Viper was definitely more welcome than a tornado right now. Congratulations! What a high honour.

“Still not my name.”

There were marginally more correct letters in it, at least. Which counted for absolutely nothing, but progress is progress! And Viper was capable of not being completely irritating. Anybody who appreciated Space Jam couldn’t be terrible all the time. He could give her the benefit of the doubt and assume there was a reason for bothering him that wasn’t just bothering him. He siiiiighs. Don’t make him regret this (DO MAKE HIM REGRET THIS.)

“What do you want now?” gosh melvin could you be a little ruder there!

Viper

“I know it’s not your name, Melvo. Melly G. Mel-Mel.” A beat, “I just wanted to say hello to my good buddy, my good pal, to see how he’s doing, no duh?”

I really hope she gets smacked in the face at some point with how much she’s enjoying tormenting him, smh. Well, she’s looking considerably more beaten up since the last time she came to torment him, so perhaps it shows that Melvin isn’t being singled out by her annoying antics! That must mean something, surely!

“I’m glad you survived the fun ocean swim!” …The one that she almost drowned on, yeah sure thing. The one that a lot of folks almost drowned on! …Melvin, I’m sorry she’s just going to be really annoying as per the usual.

Melvin Greene

He just Stares at Viper as she rattles off another few additions to the long list of things that are also not his name. Unfortunately, as these ones are not Pizza Based, he’s actually fine with this and even finds it a little funny. She wins the satisfaction of one (1) vaguely amused snort.

“Close enough.”

He’d be a little more worried about the apparent battering if he wasn’t just assuming Viper got her ass kicked by the shipwreck. He figures maybe he just got mostly lucky, for once, minus a presumed Dexter Jumpscare after hitting shore.

“Wow, thanks. You look like you got your ass kicked.” Does. Does he think that was all the ocean. Guys I don’t think he knows. “Stupid cat thing’s gotta be so mad no one died.” Nekoneko is such a little hater.

Viper

Oh, Melvin. You really just admitted to her that you can tolerate nicknames that aren’t pizza related. The beginning of your downfall, that is. Viper is grinning from ear to ear the entire time. But when he points out her…honestly very obvious injuries, her grin falls somewhat and she tilts her head.

“Uh, yeah. Got into like at least 3 more fights since we landed here.” …It’s only two, but hey. “Or…well…. punched a tree. One time. Then got my ass kicked by JACK of all people. What a loser. He stabbed me! Can you believe that!”

That’s actually very believable, Viper, especially since you tried to steal something from him despite the fact he TOLD you he would stab you. But that’s neither here nor there!

“Oh, yeah, I totes bet that silly cat is soooooo mad. Like, ‘omg, I literally threw you guys into the ocean and NOBODY died?! WTF!’”

Melvin Greene

Surprise! Melvin doesn’t actually really care what you call him as long as it’s not pizza-based, derisively or otherwise. Have fun. Unfortunately, the Funny Mood gets immediately shot down when it turns out that these injuries have a much worse cause than the whole ‘shipwreck’ thing. Why couldn’t it have been PvE instead of PvP???

“You- he- what?!”

Why is everyone fighting so much? Why is she saying that so casually like it’s totally normal?? Viper’s safety is not his problem, she’s not a kid, she can handle herself. Or maybe not, if she’s getting this beat up??? And Stabbed??? She was annoying, sure, but that wasn’t a crime worthy of getting your ass kicked.

Melvin somehow still isn’t too surprised that she’s ended up in these situations, but that doesn’t exactly make it any less concerning. It was a joke when he brought up the murder thing but it sounds like someone is going to get killed purely by accident. This revelation is stressing him out so bad.

“Forget the stupid cat, you got stabbed??? With a knife???” no with a fork What Do You Think, Melvin.

“God damn it. We could barely deal with one person getting hurt.” Not that he really tried to help Abel much, but when it was just him, Haruka seemed much more qualified to keep it under control. “How are you supposed to take care of it? That shit’s gonna get infected.” He huffs frustratedly. Not like he cares or anything, but it would be way too much of a pain to deal with anyone dying or going through a completely preventable agony.

Seriously, what was wrong with these weirdos?

Viper

Melvin Greene “Forget the stupid cat, you got stabbed??? With a knife???”

“Uh- yeah? That’s normally what you stab people with?????” Viper huffs as if that’s the dumbest question she’s ever been asked in her life, but to be fair… a fork would cause damage too! That and she’s probably just mad she got herself stabbed to begin with. Probably.

"We were havin’ a friendly little fistfight and he pulled a knife, which, is like, totally unfair!"REALLY not what you should have taken away from that, Viper! Also not even true!

“I mean, Haruka bandaged it up. And Jack seems like the kinda guy to keep his knife clean! I totes passed out on Abel so he took me to Haruka. Carried me all romantic-like.” …Why does she just have to be so weird about it. So weird about how totally not normal her injuries are!

Melvin Greene

Don’t huff at him like he’s being the stupid one in this situation! Under most other circumstances Melvin would be resigned to that fact, but HE’S NOT THE ONE WHO GOT STABBED. He is a little preoccupied with being horrified that PEOPLE ARE GETTING STABBED to take too much offense at Viper obviously thinking he’s being dumb.

“What- WHY, though??? Why the HELL would you pick a ‘friendly–’” he physically does the air quotes, “– fight with JACK?” He doesn’t mean to shout but his volume control has broken slightly because everything Viper tells him makes the entire situation sound even crazier. Throwing quarters for fun and for profit is a completely different situation than an Actual Fight! That was just business, and also he was thinking about seeing if Jack would be interested in throwing more stuff at each other later. However, his fear of getting stabbed might win out there. Actual fights are never a good idea, doubly so when there is a MURDERCAT EXPECTING YOU TO DIE!!!

Viper I totes passed out on Abel so he took me to Haruka.

…

…….

“You PASSED OUT?” Completely brushing over the romantic-like thing because HELLO??? That has to mean way too much of her blood was on the outside. Which means she could have frickin’ died. Viper was trying far too hard to brush it all off! What was her problem?! “That thing wants us to kill each other and you’re- you- do you want to see how close you can get???”

God, if he gets out of here he will never₁ complain about his job again. He doesn’t have to worry about getting murdered, the stress is gonna get him first.

₁ No promises.~

Viper

“Because Jack and I had a little friendly banter going on? And he wanted to steal something from Vinzent? And I was like, nuh-uh! I want it!” … Viper needs to stop treating it like it’s the most normal thing in the world!!! She really does!!! “…And maybe I kinda got an unrealistic expectation that I could totes win. I mean, I’ve only won like one fight I’ve fought so far…. but. Besides the point!” …She would have totally beaten Abel if he didn’t get lucky and knock her out!

“I also like fighting! It’s fun!” VIPER.

She’s so normal it hurts. How is she just so NORMAL?

“I MEAN, YEAH????” Viper!!!! Passing out is bad!!!! “I mean, kinda used to it since the concussion.” She’s passed out Twice on this train so far after all. “BUT. It’s like, totally my own fault??? I walked around, like, totally bleeding out looking for Abel???? ’Cause he had bandages from earlier????”

Viper says all of this like this is the most normal stuff ever.

“I mean. I’m not goin’ out here tryin’ to get killed. Just to try ‘n’ make the most of it? I guess! I’m like, totes not tryin’ to get killed!”

Melvin I’m so sorry.

Melvin Greene

Wowie, Viper, that was a lot of words to dance around the actual fact of the matter, which is that you have been STABBED and BLED ENOUGH to PASS OUT ABOUT IT.

“What the hell could you possibly want from Vinzent? What did he ever do to either of you?” He’s an artist. And probably a nice enough guy??? Why are you stealing from him and then getting stabbed??? Their last interaction hadn’t ended on the best note, and Melvin felt like he could maybe try to do something about that. Unfortunately, him and ‘doing things that are unpleasant or difficult or that he’d have to go out of his way for, with no pay’ are mortal enemies. So maybe later. Eventually. Possibly.

Viper I also like fighting! It’s fun!

“Yeah, yeah, real fun. Until you get stabbed and PASS OUT.”

The stress this is causing him can’t be good for his blood pressure, coupled with all the pizza grease. Why is she acting like this ISN’T cause for concern. Sometimes he thinks you know, maybe the people here aren’t that weird. Maybe it’s just the situation or a bad impression. And then this kind of thing happens, and he remembers no, this place is a freak show that he got dragged into as well.

Viper I mean, kinda used to it since the concussion.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Viper for the love of god please tell me you haven’t been running around getting into fights with a concussion.” Viper’s escapades must really be stressing him out if he’s bothering to say ‘please’, even if primarily out of exasperation. “You are gonna get killed if you keep that shit up and it’s not even gonna be on purpose. You don’t think right after getting your head shook up like that - I saw a buncha guys get banged up real bad back when, but none of them were on Murdercat’s hell train.” Maybe not the most eloquently stated, but even he knows that concussions are not something you should just… ignore! Or get in fights while having!

Viper

Melvin Greene Wowie, Viper, that was a lot of words to dance around the actual fact of the matter, which is that you have been STABBED and BLED ENOUGH to PASS OUT ABOUT IT.

What else can I say but… certified Viper moment!

Melvin Greene “What the hell could you possibly want from Vinzent? What did he ever do to either of you?”

“Well, Jack wanted to steal his tape, and, like, that’s like totally not good! Because he threatened to like… use it for blackmail? I was just being nice? And trying to get it back? And it got destroyed in the process which is like, probably a good thing!” Viper gestures to her side. …Not that Melvin would be able to see the bandages wrapped around her. “But I kinda took the force of the pieces.”

She pauses, “Passing out and getting stabbed are, like, part of the fun!” …Getting stabbed, not so much!!!! It hurt like fuck!!!! But you know, she’s not normal. At all. So she’s gonna pretend it’s so super duper fun. Just to further torture poor Melvin with her….Viperness.

Melvin Greene “Viper for the love of god please tell me you haven’t been running around getting into fights with a concussion.”

“….Noooooo?” She says, in the way that basically answers the question for her. “Yeah no, TBF my brain’s been real weird since.” …I mean, the getting almost drowned in the ocean probably didn’t help! “But I’ve been banged up before!!!! I’ve got this!!!! I hope ya didn’t get involved in seein’ those guys gettin’ beaten up though!”

…But she’s… surprised. Once it sets in that Melvin was in a way… in a weird, Viper-twisted-way… he was saying he gave a shit if she died. Aw. Melvin actually expressing concern even out of exasperation and not wanting to deal with the Murdercat in the case she did die?! Her eyes well up, and she’s giving him a teary-eyed puppy look.

“…You cawe about mwe?” …She says it exactly like that. Sorry, Melvin. She’s not normal. Ever.