There is only the sound of blood rushing in her ears now. She’s so angry. She’s so lost. There are too many things going on when just a single conversation is taking place. She doesn’t understand a single thing, despite feeling as though she should be in control at this point. There’s no real plan in mind, other than for Asuka to make things hurt.
Nothing is actually being processed to or heard until Asuka is abruptly grabbed, much to her confusion. It takes her brain even longer to make the connection that this is a hug being given to her by R.N.A.
R.N.A. “I… care about both of you. I like both of you… I know you’re both angry, sad and scared… I can’t… I can’t fix that.”
Asuka pauses. Something like distrust is clear on her face, although she doesn’t argue back. She kind of just stays there, frozen, because what else is there to do? It doesn’t feel like a moment where Asuka needs to fight. She feels the atmosphere, the attention on all of them. It’s like having a spotlight on a stage, having a passage written for you, quoting the words that have escaped from your lips as though they’re something holy. You’re worth remembering.
R.N.A. “Please… Help me. Fix me. I’m……….. scared.” The hug grows slightly tighter than before. “I am a robot… But I am scared.”
“If I’m scared… then maybe it means… that I’m defective. I got on this train… because I was defective. I wanted to be fixed. But I think… I’m getting worse. I think this train… wants me to be worse.”
Even worse, however, is the awareness she is not alone in that confusion. Constantly unsure of what she wants, and constantly aware she’s not what others want, is most certainly not the most ideal existence. It’s one that allows you to be immortalized, for a steep price. Asuka doesn’t really understand those thoughts, or the feelings that try to convey them. All she knows is she doesn’t feel angry, just feels something she buried long ago stir.
The tears that were there don’t fall - she’s not ready for that yet - but they aren’t hidden away either.
Had Asuka ever considered why she was here? Why the train had showed up for her to begin with? Or had she just seen something exciting and new, and decided that was better than whatever life had been? Or had she been seeking something else out?
(She knows the right answer, but she’ll never tell it, will never dare admit the truth.)
Viper “R.N.A…” She tightens her grip on them almost instinctively, wishing just a little that they were warm, and soft, and human. “…Could always try’n take a look at your code… or somethin’” She muttered, she still hadn’t accepted that their dear robot wasn’t a human, but she was too emotional and exhausted to press them on it too badly. “But ya don’t need fixin’. It ain’t faulty ta have…feelin’s. Bein’ scared is… normal.”
It’s not normal though. You shouldn’t have to be scared. Scared of being forgotten, the fear that aches in every part of you. The fear that takes over, dictating each and every action as you chase after an endless goal. As you cling and cling and refuse to let go, until it’s too much and you fall apart, and rebuild yourself worse than before. The fear that never goes away, no matter what you do. The fear that only stops when you can be confident you’re in control, that you’ve set the scene.
That fear seems so alien compared to this, however, that it has to be something else.
Viper “I ain’t been nice ta ya. I put ya at risk of gettin’ the same Jack got. I jus’…. I couldn’t condemn him. An’ people would give me more sh-t for votin’ for Haruka. Jus’ made… sense, at the time.” She pauses, “I jus’…. It’s like lookin’ in a mirror sometimes. With Jack. ‘S why I keep feelin’ th’ need ta stand up for him. An’ I made a promise with him.”
Viper “An’ Matsu… I’m jus’…. I like ‘em. A lot. An’…. it’s such a sh-tty spot ta be in with ’em both in there together. So… yeah, I’m terrified. Feels…weird ta admit that. But I… get ya.”
“Did he make a promise back or agree to keep it?” It’s not even asked angrily - just bitterly, and with what sounds like wariness. “Promises only work if you both agree, and don’t actually go back on them.” She’s never been good at silence, just like she’s never been good at self-reflection. Judging others in some form has always been easier.
“…Either way, it’s probably shitty to keep, like, defending him in front of them after that. I dunno. But I’d be pissed. He wanted to hurt them. Good luck with solving any of that, because you’re probably gonna have to either do something drastic or accept it’s not gonna work.” She doesn’t really care. Not really. It’s not her problem. It just feels pointless to try and fight for the best scenario there, when it’s not going to happen, clearly. Why not just be realistic about how it’d work out?
R.N.A. “Thank you both… for being so nice to me.”
It’s those words that keep echoing in Asuka’s head though. She wasn’t nice - nobody really said she was nice. She didn’t want anything bad to happen to R.N.A., but Asuka hadn’t done what friends were supposed to do. She had just been herself, harsh around the edges, and that had… worked? Seriously?
(Something in Asuka feels almost upset hearing that, wants to shout at R.N.A. and ask if they have standards.)
“…I don’t think my parents have noticed I’m gone. Gami probably noticed though. They’re probably throwing a party. Maybe I should just stay here. It’s not boring, and it’s… It’s not, like, a total Hell, y’know?”
It’s the most she can muster up. She needs to contribute something. She just doesn’t know what.
