Withering | Vinzent + Abel | Library Car

Abel Lazarus

Vinzent Mayer Even if I. Am pretty sure that I love you.

Unfortunately Abel doesn’t really do well with hearing those words aimed at him. A Romantic context with the bonus of everything at play does make him nervous and a little uncomfortable. He doesn’t really look at Vinzent. “… Yeah.” He misses Vinzent reaching out- instead looking around to make sure he hasn’t been found. Even if he did notice- Ramona and Solanus are enough of a threat just existing he has no desire to touch anyone at all in any way that might show a weakness on his part. For his sake- as well as anyone else’s.

Vinzent Mayer His only hope is that Abel’s hand number has lowered from last time.

; )

Vinzent Mayer You’re not alone.”

It turns out- perhaps- that he’s all out on his tolerance for being understood. He’s too worried that if he’s vulnerable here Ramona will hear and use it against him. Or that Solanus will hear and berate his ability to be the heir for the family- something he seems… Unfortunately rather fixated on as of now. He shifts a little awkwardly.

“Maybe we should try to get something out of… Jimithy. He might know what we’re doing here.” He moves to look around the book shelf to try and see the information desk. “I… Just hope I won’t need to do much with… Certain books. Hopefully just…” He rubs his forehead and sighs. “I don’t know. I have a headache.”

Vinzent Mayer

Abel Lazarus He doesn’t really look at Vinzent. “… Yeah.” He misses Vinzent reaching out- instead looking around to make sure he hasn’t been found. Even if he did notice- Ramona and Solanus are enough of a threat just existing he has no desire to touch anyone at all in any way that might show a weakness on his part. For his sake- as well as anyone else’s.

Perhaps this was to be expected. Perhaps this is what Vinzent should have expected. It stings, it really does. But… He won’t make a scene. In fact, the sooner they deal with Abel’s current issue at hand, the sooner Abel can hopefully recover better. It pisses Vinzent off that Abel can’t have a chance to feel safe at all, that Abel has to be reminded of awful things again and again. And that these awful, horrible people can’t leave him alone.

Perhaps the better proof of caring and loving him would be helping him in finding what Abel needs, then the sooner it’s done, the sooner Abel won’t have to deal with it anymore.

Abel Lazarus ; )

Oh good, it did! A mild surprise was painted over Vinzent’s face then his gaze softened. A relief. If he can try to get Abel to lower the number further…

Abel Lazarus It turns out- perhaps- that he’s all out on his tolerance for being understood. He’s too worried that if he’s vulnerable here Ramona will hear and use it against him. Or that Solanus will hear and berate his ability to be the heir for the family- something he seems… Unfortunately rather fixated on as of now. He shifts a little awkwardly.

“Maybe we should try to get something out of… Jimithy. He might know what we’re doing here.” He moves to look around the book shelf to try and see the information desk. “I… Just hope I won’t need to do much with… Certain books. Hopefully just…” He rubs his forehead and sighs. “I don’t know. I have a headache.”

Again, the lack of answer or acknowledgement to Vinzent’s words… Stings, but Vinzent doesn’t fault Abel for that. Instead, he listens.

“Do you want to come with me so you can ask him? If there’s something else I can do to help you with the books, let me know. But yeah, I’ll still keep an eye out.”

Vinzent has shifted his weight a bit to let Abel see what he needed to see, then spoke again.

“I’m… Certain it’s rather simple in theory, but I can… Just imagine how much this is asking of you here.”

Vinzent seemed to extend his hand again toward Abel but this time, it’s to gesture to Abel to come with him. To the desk.

“Come on… Let’s not stall in here anymore, I’m gonna help you just get things done and over with. For good.”

Because right now, he knows trying to talk any further when this hasn’t been dealt with properly would probably not make things any more better. Maybe after this, can they chat. Maybe.

It feels lonely a bit at the moment, but he’ll just push through, for Abel’s sake.

Abel Lazarus

Vinzent Mayer Perhaps the better proof of caring and loving him would be helping him in finding what Abel needs, then the sooner it’s done, the sooner Abel won’t have to deal with it anymore.

It might be- but it also might be too much for him. Accepting help is again, a rather new thing for him- and he’s generally on edge here.

Also just knowing what the requirements of this will be… He’d rather read whatever book it ends up being alone. He might talk about it later- but he has no intention of airing his families dirty laundry casually. Vinzent might need to just open a book and read from it himself if he wants information.

Vinzent Mayer A relief. If he can try to get Abel to lower the number further…

We’ll see! It might be easy to drive it back up in his fear this car.

Vinzent Mayer “Do you want to come with me so you can ask him?

“… I’m not sure I can approach the desk without them seeing me. Might as well try, though. I don’t get the feeling he’s going to be very helpful in finding the books either- but they might be up there somewhere.” He smoothed a hand over his hair and let out a little breath. He’s not going to be very emotionally available at all this car.

Vinzent Mayer “Come on… Let’s not stall in here anymore, I’m gonna help you just get things done and over with. For good.”

He glances at Vinzent for a moment- not wanting to be rushed really but understanding it’s probably not his intent. It’s fine. He’s fine. He just needs to get to the desk- convince this kid to tell him what to do and then do it. That’s it. Easy Peasy.

So he moves for the desk- keeping a very close eye on his surroundings but still moving quickly.

Just get it done Abel. Get it Done.

Vinzent Mayer

Abel Lazarus Also just knowing what the requirements of this will be… He’d rather read whatever book it ends up being alone. He might talk about it later- but he has no intention of airing his families dirty laundry casually. Vinzent might need to just open a book and read from it himself if he wants information.

Vinzent himself had no intention of reading the book, just helping him in finding it if he could. If Abel will tell him that he’ll read it alone, Vinzent will understand and respect that decision. But… It’s difficult.

That said, he waits.

Abel Lazarus We’ll see! It might be easy to drive it back up in his fear this car.

HEY-

Abel Lazarus “… I’m not sure I can approach the desk without them seeing me. Might as well try, though. I don’t get the feeling he’s going to be very helpful in finding the books either- but they might be up there somewhere.” He smoothed a hand over his hair and let out a little breath. He’s not going to be very emotionally available at all this car.

Vinzent, truthfully, wants to do what he can to help… The gears are turning in his head. Because he’s trying to find what might be the best way. He doesn’t expect Abel to be really around emotionally, especially because of this car, so the sooner they can get it done and leave? The better it’ll be.

“There’s no harm in trying at least.”

Abel Lazarus He glances at Vinzent for a moment- not wanting to be rushed really but understanding it’s probably not his intent. It’s fine. He’s fine. He just needs to get to the desk- convince this kid to tell him what to do and then do it. That’s it. Easy Peasy.

So he moves for the desk- keeping a very close eye on his surroundings but still moving quickly.

Just get it done Abel. Get it Done.

It definitely was not Vinzent’s intention to rush Abel. But stalling was likely not the better option. Vinzent was still… Unsure what to do anymore but he’ll stay nearby, partially to at least try to insist that Abel gets it done with. Even if not verbally. As soon as Abel will get it done, then Vinzent will leave him be. But until then? He wants to make sure that Abel doesn’t push it aside too far away that it’ll just ruin him further.

Abel Lazarus

Vinzent Mayer Vinzent himself had no intention of reading the book, just helping him in finding it if he could. If Abel will tell him that he’ll read it alone, Vinzent will understand and respect that decision. But… It’s difficult.

Well! There goes the easiest way to obtain info without getting harrassed by a ghost… “friend”.

Vinzent Mayer “There’s no harm in trying at least.”

“I know.” He hasn’t been putting it off- he’s just been trying, and failing, to find Solanus and Ramona’s books to get them out of the way first. Unfortunately for him both books are NOT where they belong. Maybe he’ll have to talk to Jimithy first but he isn’t happy about that. Ramona and Solanus being removed of first would make it all easier to accomplish. Knowing his luck… He’d end up needing those books for something.

And me personally? Knowing the point of the car? Yeah. He’s gonna need one of them almost for sure.

Regardless.

Vinzent Mayer He wants to make sure that Abel doesn’t push it aside too far away that it’ll just ruin him further.

Unfortunately since Abel was already seeing what he was doing as Doing the task he feels rushed by being prompted to do it. He had cleared the section where Solanus Should have been- that was progress to him.

He walked towards the front desk to… Hopefully harass an answer out of Jimithy. Quickly enough to avoid being spotted.

That or find either book he’s questing for. He’d be fine to just mess with those and figure out if they might offer him some awareness of the Task. Seems way more pleasant than the tween goatboy if he’s honest, now that he’s back to thinking teenagers are just mean in an accurate way.

Vinzent Mayer

Abel Lazarus Well! There goes the easiest way to obtain info without getting harrassed by a ghost… “friend”.

At least that’s what Vinzent thinks now. He might likely change his mind if he finds the book. But honestly? Who knows at this point? Will he be able to hold his curiosity and quests for answers at bay or shall he just go for it?

He didn’t say anything else, opting to just stay nearby. Not too close of course, to not… Overwhelm Abel further. He hoped that. And to not… Make it too obvious Abel was there either. He’ll try to join him soon after.

Vinzent had few questions for both boys who were at the desk but… Is it worth it? Especially with how this car is? This is fucked up. And… The conversation he’s having with Abel right now? It just really, really worries him even more.

He wants out of this car. Now. But he has to help. One way or another. He’s tired to see Abel having no real room to breathe. Getting home would have been the easiest and safest answer. But the how to… Yeah, Vinzent’s going to think a lot on it. He doesn’t really care if he himself doesn’t go home that soon. There’s more important things at hand and if it meant stalling his returning home goal for Abel’s and other people’s sake? Sure. So as long as other people are going home before him.

…

He’s considering taking a peek at the book if he finds it. But he might backtrack quickly enough. Who… knows.

Anyway it is time to wait for the boys at the desk to answer to Abel.

Abel Lazarus

Ah the time skip

Once Abel had gotten out of Jimithy what exactly they were supposed to be up to- he went right for looking for Ramona’s book. It could be anyone elses- or maybe even Solanus’s if he wanted- but he didn’t want that.

He wanted to read hers.

Perhaps there’s some deep reason for it- or maybe it’s just wanting to know what happens in her brain. What went so wrong she treats him the way she does. Something. Anything.

It’s not where it should have been- because of course. It was far off half under a bookshelf like it was hidden and Abel was sure to say at least 5 cuss words about the matter as he drags it out-

And doesn’t shut it. Why should he? If he shuts it then she’s gone sure- but when he goes to read it she’ll be right back in front of him- and it’s better to try and read it while she’s still off minding her own business.

“… Great. Vinzent- Do you mind. Letting me read this alone? That’s all I need to do and then she’ll be gone and I’ll just need to find my grandfather.” He flips through it for a moment- moving it from the pages that… seem to be detailing her first attempt to murder Marius based on a quick glance… to a place closer to his birth. “… I want this to be private.” For now. Maybe he’ll share later but. Not now.

A little while away- on the ground in a way that implies someone dropped it on accident from a bag of some sort and failed to pick it up- sits a pretty book of medium length with all sorts of gold trimmings. Along the front it reads Cordelia Lazarus. If anyone ends up noticing it- or perhaps tripping on it.

Vinzent Mayer

Oh sweet time skip!

After having helped Abel finding the book in question. Vinzent was waiting for him to say something, and indeed he did. the artist normally wouldn’t like leaving Abel alone especially when the man isn’t doing great, but being stubborn brings nothing good. And sometimes, giving space is the best option that’s also considerate.

It doesn’t mean Vinzent will stop worrying, but he’ll respect what Abel wants. He just hoped it doesn’t mean Abel is spiraling down further. He’ll definitely come back to check later.

So… Even with a worried expression on his face, Vinzent was quick to come up with a decent answer.

“… Okay. I understand. I’ll… Be around if there’s anything you want from me. … See you then.”

With that, he leaves Abel’s side, for now.

As he looked around further, Vinzent has tripped on something, but was quick to catch himself, even while he did a few steps to regain balance. Huh…?

As he examined the book better…

Huh. Cordelia Lazarus… Not a name he has heard of. Normally, he’d ask Abel about this but… It was not ideal to do so right now. And who was that person? Would it give him more answers about this fucked up family dynamic whatever it has going on now? Would it feel right to read it?

Hm…

Normally, he shouldn’t. But Abel didn’t mention anyone by the name of Cordelia… So…

…

Sorry Abel, Vinzent has changed his mind from earlier, at least it didn’t seem it was someone awful. But we never know. Still… He’ll open it. He wants more answers. Even if it might upset him. And if it does? He’ll simply close it. Easy, right?

… He hoped so.

Abel Lazarus

Vinzent Mayer He just hoped it doesn’t mean Abel is spiraling down further. He’ll definitely come back to check later.

Luckily it doesn’t- he really just wants privacy.

Vinzent Mayer He’ll open it. He wants more answers. Even if it might upset him.

Vinzent hasn’t heard of Cordelia because she died Long before he was born. Even further back than his grandmother died!

In fact- the woman who leaves the book is his Great Grandmother.

She’s a serious looking woman with bright red hair tied into a tight bun- and older clothing that tells you she’s seriously before this generation. The book makes it clear she died an entire 56 years prior- at the age of 44. Another young death. This seems pretty consistent, doesn’t it?

Cordelia turns to look at Vinzent with a pursed sort of expression- towering over him at 6′2. No wonder all the Lazari are so tall…

“Who are you?” She doesn’t seem pleased with him- but she’s not being overly aggressive about it. “What gives you the right to take my book? Did someone related to me give you permission?” She looks him over with a slightly disdainful expression.

“And you better not say Solanus asked this. That Terrible little brat needs to learn to leave well enough Alone.”

In the distance, Solanus’s ghost seems to notice this woman and Immediately head away from her- and away from Abel. Well! Seems Cordelia is good for that at least.

“I am Cordelia Lazarus. If you must ask anything… Be quick.”

Here’s what you’ve got Vinzent. She’s not pleasant- but she’s Solanus repellant.

Vinzent Mayer

Abel Lazarus Luckily it doesn’t- he really just wants privacy.

It’ll be a relief, later.

Abel Lazarus She’s a serious looking woman with bright red hair tied into a tight bun- and older clothing that tells you she’s seriously before this generation. The book makes it clear she died an entire 56 years prior- at the age of 44. Another young death. This seems pretty consistent, doesn’t it?

Yippeeee! That’s worrying! Vinzent did notice this trend and he didn’t like it any more the more it keeps going. But he’ll learn more about the Lazari hopefully.

Abel Lazarus “Who are you?” She doesn’t seem pleased with him- but she’s not being overly aggressive about it. “What gives you the right to take my book? Did someone related to me give you permission?” She looks him over with a slightly disdainful expression.

Ouch, yeah. He did feel a little bad about it, but too late! He gotta ask. And answer her question first while he’s at it.

“Ah, I’m just a friend of a relative of yours. And uh no, it was on the ground. I nearly tripped on it so I was… Curious. My bad. I shouldn’t bother you for long if you aren’t up for chatting.”

Abel Lazarus “And you better not say Solanus asked this. That Terrible little brat needs to learn to leave well enough Alone.”

In the distance, Solanus’s ghost seems to notice this woman and Immediately head away from her- and away from Abel. Well! Seems Cordelia is good for that at least.

He shook his head. No, don’t worry ma’am. If he knew what happened, Vinzent would be actually glad that Solanus is away from Abel.

Abel Lazarus “I am Cordelia Lazarus. If you must ask anything… Be quick.”

Here’s what you’ve got Vinzent. She’s not pleasant- but she’s Solanus repellant.

He’s going to try! With the most logical string of events…

“What happened that got Solanus the way he is? Was he always like this?”

Vinzent didn’t know if violence and/or death was always this way in the Lazari or if Solanus was just exceptionally horrible and gave trauma to the rest of the generations just because. And if the nickname brat was anything to go by… Vinzent had a guess, but assuming is his worst enemy. He needs to ask, to have the full story.

Abel Lazarus

((TW: Child Abuse References. She’s an abuser and I’m writing from her eyes that’s really the thing here))

Vinzent Mayer “Ah, I’m just a friend of a relative of yours. And uh no, it was on the ground. I nearly tripped on it so I was… Curious. My bad. I shouldn’t bother you for long if you aren’t up for chatting.”

She appreciates that he doesn’t plan to take up her precious time- but she doesn’t seem to approve of the idea he’s a friend to some relative. “Ugh. It’s not that… Brat of Solanus’s, right?” She makes a woeful noise. “Abel? Right? Strong Biblical name for a boy who’s so… unfortunate. I have better relatives for you to pick from.” She runs a hand through her hair, frustrated.

Vinzent Mayer “What happened that got Solanus the way he is? Was he always like this?”

She gives a rather dry laugh. “He was spoiled.” Not… Quite Accurate for the reason she hates him or… The reason he’s like that. But sure. “His whole bloodline is rotten. And he mistreated my poor poor Elias…” She wails. “I’m glad the boy is dead! Including his rotten daughter! Now his poor little heir just needs to die so my sweet Lucius can finally have what he deserves.”

It seems people who look like Abel being hated by their mothers… really does go back many generations.

“But of course- Augustine- I love him I do but he cared so much about Solanus being born first that he didn’t listen to me at All.” Is it becoming clear that it started long before Solanus? “I should have just killed him. The world would be better. My poor Lysithea… My Cornelius… My Beatrix… My Elias… and my Sweet Sweet Lucius- All robbed.” She Wails again- and really. It’s becoming clear a question so open to hating on Solanus… Isn’t the best way to learn things here.

“If Augustine just listened- If I’d just married who I was supposed to-” She turns towards Vinzent for a moment. “He should have known he was too soft on Solanus. He should have punished him more. You’ll understand too if you keep being… friendly with that spawn of his.”

Vinzent Mayer

(following up the cw child abuse from last post to be safe)

Abel Lazarus She appreciates that he doesn’t plan to take up her precious time- but she doesn’t seem to approve of the idea he’s a friend to some relative. “Ugh. It’s not that… Brat of Solanus’s, right?” She makes a woeful noise. “Abel? Right? Strong Biblical name for a boy who’s so… unfortunate. I have better relatives for you to pick from.” She runs a hand through her hair, frustrated.

H… How did she know? He pinched his lips together. Why is that mostly everyone, save for a few seem to hate Abel so much just for existing? Don’t they realize that if someone keeps being hated, that’ll be all they’d know? What reason could possibly have to deserve being hated? There’s simply no good reason at all! It frustrates Vinzent so much to see that before his eyes…

“So? I don’t want that. I’ll befriend who I want and I will be the judge of my choices. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll leave.”

But as if he’d leave Abel be. This man needs so much help and support. Thing is… Vinzent does too, and he isn’t sure what to do for himself. Anyway, time to continue listening to whatever next thing she spews out.

Abel Lazarus She gives a rather dry laugh. “He was spoiled.” Not… Quite Accurate for the reason she hates him or… The reason he’s like that. But sure. “His whole bloodline is rotten. And he mistreated my poor poor Elias…” She wails. “I’m glad the boy is dead! Including his rotten daughter! Now his poor little heir just needs to die so my sweet Lucius can finally have what he deserves.”

… What the hell. What does Lucius have to do with this? And spoiled? He feels it barely scrapes the surface of what the fuck is wrong with this bloodline. Because there’s so, so much wrong with it. But an individual’s fate is not sealed tight just because the whole bloodline is fucked up.

“If you think him dying would fix things, you’re so wrong about this. He needs help, so much help. And death is not an answer. Truthfully, it won’t give Lucius what he deserves. Lucius can be happy elsewhere without any more deaths just for existing.”

Abel Lazarus It seems people who look like Abel being hated by their mothers… really does go back many generations.

He has noticed! And he isn’t liking this one bit <3 Why are you like this!!!

Abel Lazarus “But of course- Augustine- I love him I do but he cared so much about Solanus being born first that he didn’t listen to me at All.” Is it becoming clear that it started long before Solanus? “I should have just killed him. The world would be better. My poor Lysithea… My Cornelius… My Beatrix… My Elias… and my Sweet Sweet Lucius- All robbed.” She Wails again- and really. It’s becoming clear a question so open to hating on Solanus… Isn’t the best way to learn things here.

What. Oh, it is clear that it has gone on for way too long.

“Oh, so you think it’s all his fault he’s like this? And not because he has learned he wasn’t loved so he grows to be extremly awful and the trauma carries on? Sorry to say but you’re part of the problem here.”

Abel Lazarus “If Augustine just listened- If I’d just married who I was supposed to-” She turns towards Vinzent for a moment. “He should have known he was too soft on Solanus. He should have punished him more. You’ll understand too if you keep being… friendly with that spawn of his.”

A dry laugh. “I refuse to punish my friend that way. Responding with violence isn’t the way to go. I’ll definitely hold him accountable if he messes up. That’s what I’m working on.”

He did need to be more firm. He just never learned how to do so properly unless he was at his wits’ ends. Because this was a whole new can of worms that he has opened for a while and handling something so unfamiliar to him was so…

Yes, both he and Abel has their own private things, they both have their issues. But it’s… Similar yet so different.

Different particularily because… Vinzent didn’t have family/generational related trauma, while Abel did.

… Speaking of holding Abel accountable…

… Perhaps he should try to recall what Abel did wrong and write it down. Then read it, again and again, maybe checking with Abel if he did recall right. Because Vinzent knows Abel has done a lot of wrong things. But… Vinzent didn’t quite know how to handle this until now.

Maybe he has really been blindsided by his own twisted perceptions. And that’s not good. It’s not right.

…

He decides to close the book before Cordelia says anything else further by that point. He has things to write down that he doesn’t want to forget. That he wants to try to recall. Then… He’ll tell Abel. It won’t be pretty to recall any of this, but whatever it was, he should stop burying these upsetting memories of his. Running away to a delusion is not the way to go. Vinzent then opens his notebook and starts writing. Again.

He seems really focused.

Abel Lazarus

Vinzent Mayer “If you think him dying would fix things, you’re so wrong about this. He needs help, so much help. And death is not an answer. Truthfully, it won’t give Lucius what he deserves. Lucius can be happy elsewhere without any more deaths just for existing.”

“You don’t know anything, do you? The heir to the family gets everything. It’s their duty to keep the family Going. They are in charge. Lucius deserves that far more than Solanus ever did. He was such a smart boy- such a leader- and now Solanus’s stupid affair baby runs everything.” While Technically Marius was, yes, born in wedlock, Again- the lovely Catholic belief only the first spouse counts loves to strike again.

“My Lucius… His heirs will have the family. Mark my words.”

Vinzent Mayer Don’t they realize that if someone keeps being hated, that’ll be all they’d know?

Certainly they realize that- much to consider that they think they deserve that.

Vinzent Mayer “Oh, so you think it’s all his fault he’s like this? And not because he has learned he wasn’t loved so he grows to be extremly awful and the trauma carries on? Sorry to say but you’re part of the problem here.”

She scoffs. Of course she wouldn’t quite get it- Augustine loved Solanus with everything in him- but Lucius was just his spare. She hates Solanus and wishes that Lucius was more. He deserved to be hated- because his father loved him enough to not to anything Cordelia wanted. Because she resented Solanus for causing her to lose her freedom. Because he was born.

Vinzent Mayer Vinzent didn’t have family/generational related trauma, while Abel did.

Oh. Oh so much of it. There’s three generations before this one too.

Vinzent Mayer He decides to close the book before Cordelia says anything else further by that point.

The book closes and she’s definitely unhappy- but that doesn’t matter. She is closed again.

She is no more once more.

Vinzent Mayer

[self deprecation cw]

Abel Lazarus “You don’t know anything, do you? The heir to the family gets everything. It’s their duty to keep the family Going. They are in charge. Lucius deserves that far more than Solanus ever did. He was such a smart boy- such a leader- and now Solanus’s stupid affair baby runs everything.” While Technically Marius was, yes, born in wedlock, Again- the lovely Catholic belief only the first spouse counts loves to strike again.

W. What. Okay, in his defense, Vinzent didn’t know that part. But is he surprised? Given how much lies can be piled in a family? And not just the Lazari, pretty much any family. No, Vinzent isn’t shocked by that information. But it’s unfortunate. Just how strong were the beliefs and what were those, he wondered. So much for being so detached from the religion because he didn’t bother to read about it. Perhaps some context would have been better. But ¯\ (ツ) /¯

Abel Lazarus “My Lucius… His heirs will have the family. Mark my words.”

“'Kay.” He was so unfazed by this threat that it was just… Yeah.

Abel Lazarus She scoffs. Of course she wouldn’t quite get it- Augustine loved Solanus with everything in him- but Lucius was just his spare. She hates Solanus and wishes that Lucius was more. He deserved to be hated- because his father loved him enough to not to anything Cordelia wanted. Because she resented Solanus for causing her to lose her freedom. Because he was born.

Oh boy. That’s definitely something Vinzent won’t know but. That definitely isn’t great of a situation at all.

… Man. There’s just so much wrong. But a person is not their family, a person doesn’t have to bear everything wrong within their family. He took a moment to pause as he continued to write.

…

Vinzent has started to hesitate. Was it the right moment? He doesn’t have to bring it up now nor soon. But… He doesn’t want to forget it. Things don’t have to be handled right now.

… He can draft things of what he wants to say and work it out later. Yeah. That’ll be the better way. As Vinzent jotted down everything that came to his mind, he started to darken the first part with his pencil and kept the dotted points untouched.

There’s a lot he wants to say to Abel. But… Vinzent felt it wasn’t the right time at all with everything going on right now.

… And he felt pretty fucking helpless. He can’t do anything right, he’d just screw up things further if he talks to Abel again, doesn’t he?

He doesn’t know. He didn’t talk much about himself because it wasn’t like it mattered right now anyway. ~~He wasn’t important, he doesn’t matter~~.

Again, Vinzent just wants to get Abel home and out of this train. That’s all.

For now, Vinzent could be found in one corner of the library, scribbling in his notebook and stopping occasionally.

Abel Lazarus

--Time skip–

Once he was finally free of his family, Abel was content to… Work.

Because he is- when it comes down to it- himself.

He’s been shelving books for a while, climbing up and down the ladders and making sure everything he sees is where it belongs. Ladders aren’t easy exactly but this is a good chance to… Reset himself. Work off the fear and feel… safe again.

It’ll take a while. He’s definitely apprehensive- but Ramona and Solanus are tucked into his bag for now- and even if they must be returned before he can leave- it’s time he knows no one can subject him to them.

He’ll be a little less jumpy this go around- but still be careful approaching him.

Vinzent Mayer

[self deprecation cw AGAIN]

It wasn’t quite done but whatever, these contents are there for him to simmer on. Vinzent can get back to re-read it later. For now, he closed his notebook to put it in his bag then tucked the book where it would be, so as long as there’s space on the shelves. He isn’t letting somebody else trip on that. Maybe make it harder for taking it out again, so he shoves it pretty deep in the shelf. It’s heavy but he didn’t particularily care. Now that it’s done…

… Should he talk Abel about his own issues? Or would it make it worse? Vinzent… Wasn’t sure. But he felt it was a pretty bad idea to bring up the Lazari again. So, he’ll put it aside. It’s been miserable enough hearing about this, and he… Wasn’t doing much better. So… Erm. Maybe once Vinzent’s mind will be clearer, he’ll reread what he wrote and perhaps scrape it overall or work on it again. But not right now.

Vinzent waits for Abel to be on the ground again, then approaches him with great care to not startle him. He does wave a little to grab his attention.

“… Abel? How are you feeling right now?”

Vinzent of course doesn’t expect a positive response, given the topic of this car, but maybe an “I’m okay” or something would be enough. Even, if.. It wasn’t necessarily the case. Just anything to try to talk to him again, just for a bit.

Maybe he has things to say, himself. Maybe changing the topic would help but given his own problems, Vinzent wasn’t sure if it was gonna be helpful. He fidgeted with his sleeves in the meantime. And had he not kept his numbered hand hidden with a glove, he’d play a bit with Abel’s ring on his thumb. It’s still there. He knows.

He didn’t look alright. In fact, the guilt keeps catching up to him pretty quickly. For everything. For what he’s done. And for what he might have done. And he fears if he opens his mouth further, it’ll just be worse. How was he going to… Say anything about himself? There’s nothing positive he can find about himself right now.

He just ruins things, after all.

Abel Lazarus

Vinzent Mayer “… Abel? How are you feeling right now?”

Abel startles a lot less this time- at most giving a slight expression change before he’s realized who’s addressing him. Not as embarrassing of an over reaction that time, luckily.

“…” He half shrugs and sighs. “I mean, I’m fine, I guess.” He’s never been the best at understanding his emotions beyond anger or guilt- or vague positives and negatives. I can sit here and tell you what he’s feeling- but him doing it? Haha. “They’re taken care of. I’m just hoping they let us into the next car soon.”

He places a few more low shelf books- glancing at Vinzent every so often and watching him fidget.

It takes a second before he stops and really looks at Vinzent. “… You okay?”

Now. Abel can generally be pretty hard to have emotional conversations with- considering how socially unaware he can be at the best of times- so this won’t be perfect by any measure.

But he’s listening while he works and it’s clear enough he’s attentive- just needing something to do with his hands. (Thank god he had the good sense to already open these and write their death dates down on paper so that won’t just be happening throughout this, though.)

“… Did your book get to you or is it something else?”

Vinzent Mayer

[self deprecation cw]

Ah, a relief. Vinzent would have been feeling worse if Abel showed a strong reaction, which is not something he wanted.

Well, as far as it would go. Vinzent expected that kind of answer. That said. He’s willing to drop this topic right now until next time. Or if they’ll let it be. But he has so much more to say… Later, much later.

Abel Lazarus “They’re taken care of. I’m just hoping they let us into the next car soon.”

“Okay, good. And me too, I hope so as well.”

Abel Lazarus It takes a second before he stops and really looks at Vinzent. “… You okay?”

Vinzent shook his head. No. No, he really isn’t. He could be lying and say to not worry, but… It’s been wearing him out.

It’s been…

He tugs at his sleeves, hoping that he doesn’t crash down or anything. Or just become more of a burden for everyone else. But what if he was always a burden?

What if he was right? That Vinzent is just poisoning people’s existence? He can’t do anything right.

What am I to you…? What do I mean to you? A friend or a burden?

“Abel… I… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Or if I do anything right. I feel like everything I touch… I just ruin it. Every time I try to help or fix things, I just make things worse. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. That I’m not needed. …That I’m just a nuisance and it won’t change.”

He felt that he was just an huge inconvenience to Abel right now even.

“I’m sorry.”

It’s automatic, again. The apology. He just… Wishes he could throw it away, lock down his emotions in a box. He hates feeling emotions right now.

He hated that it drove him to where he is now.

Abel Lazarus

Vinzent Mayer “Abel… I… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Or if I do anything right. I feel like everything I touch… I just ruin it. Every time I try to help or fix things, I just make things worse. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. That I’m not needed. …That I’m just a nuisance and it won’t change.”

“You don’t ruin everything you touch.” He furrows his brow. “… Is there anything happening in specific you’re worried about?”

He pushes his glasses up and leans against the bookshelf slightly. He’s trying! But he’s not very… Good at general advice. Or advice. He just quotes people.

“… You’re not a nuisance, Vinzent. I don’t think you are one.” He’s still not fully comfortable with Full affection. Full touch. Still too… overwhelmed for that? But he does his best attempt at a reassuring shoulder pat. The limit of what he’s capable of now.

Vinzent Mayer “I’m sorry.”

“… You don’t need to apologize.” He sits against the book shelf and pats the ground next to him. Better to talk here, right?

Abel hates his own emotions at the… all of the time- so he can get that. It’s hard to deal with them- especially when you don’t even know what most emotions are.

But still. He’s sat in enough therapy sessions to have some idea what things are able to be said on that front- and he’s got self worth issues out the wazoo so. Perhaps he can do something Not terrible trying to comfort him.

Vinzent Mayer

[severe bullying/physical abuse mention, it’s ugly]

Abel Lazarus “You don’t ruin everything you touch.” He furrows his brow. “… Is there anything happening in specific you’re worried about?”

It was getting difficult by this point to contain his tears. And his sniffles. He…

Something in specific? Well… More like the cumulation of everything.

Abel Lazarus “… You’re not a nuisance, Vinzent. I don’t think you are one.” He’s still not fully comfortable with Full affection. Full touch. Still too… overwhelmed for that? But he does his best attempt at a reassuring shoulder pat. The limit of what he’s capable of now.

It’s fine, he at least appreciates the shoulder touch. But… There’s just tears falling. And falling. And what was sniffles soon became sobs.

“I… I… I just feel guilty. For being that stubborn or… Just… I let my feelings dictate me and I d-don’t… Think twice about it.”

Abel Lazarus “… You don’t need to apologize.” He sits against the book shelf and pats the ground next to him. Better to talk here, right?

He needed that, even as tears blurs his vision right now, Vinzent awkwardly sits down. But his shoulders still shake from his own sobbing.

“I’m too much of a coward. I don’t speak out u-until I’m at my wits ends and e-even then… I… Just… I’m tired of not knowing how to handle problems without running a-away or… Or… Go through it without- Thinking and… Almost always… Certainly get hurt in the end.”

“I’ve… I’ve… Just… Be-Because… In highschool… I-I’ve been either… Always dimissed or… Gotten physically hurt sometimes I… Dared to speak out against what was… Upsetting me… Or telling to quit it… Or even fighting back… I-I’ve learned to shut up… A-And keep it all inside, to save my own skin… To run away… Until- Until… It’s too late. And it went on f-for… All my highschool years… I just made things worse even now, even recently. I l-learned nothing. W-When things upset me, I just… Keep it all inside and it kills me. And then I l-lose it and I just… Ruin it.”

It was clear that a small therapy session at his local hospital was not sufficent at all. That he needs so much more than that.

“I’ve… Been often told that I was just too naive to… Want what I wished. That my artistic ambitions was just another stupid dream. To pick something real. And… In a highschool where there was a lot of athletic people along with some artists like me? But me… I was just the perfect target. I’m small, I’ve never been someone who was loud. Until I was provoked enough. And things got ugly really quickly.”

A pause.

“I’ve been threatened several times with more violence if I dared to talk to anyone about the situation I was going through, and… I believed it. So I didn’t… Talk to my family at all about it. For the few years that it happened. Until I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Even then, he still struggled to keep his voice steady. It’s difficult.

“S-So… That’s… Why I didn’t… Why I don’t… Often speak up, when I should. Have, about things that bother me. Because… I’m too afraid. Until I let my emotions take over and. I-I then remember why I don’t do that in the… First place. And why I… Didn’t fight much, I was just easily overpowered so often, I didn’t… Bother to try defending myself.”

“Nobody else really came to my aid in that highschool anyway. My best friend went to a different school and so did my brother, so I was by myself all this time during the day. And I had no friends there. Just acquintances that’d rather take their distance once I mildly inconvenience them when I wasn’t acting like the quiet kid they knew. I’ve been sent to the principal’s office far more times than the asshole who enjoyed ruining me. He knew exactly where to push my buttons so I’d snap and waste everyone’s time.”

A sigh.

“He… Always enjoyed stealing my things, my lunch or trying to bully me in giving him money, I don’t… Know if I’ve mentioned that. Probably. But… He just… Enjoyed making me miserable all the time, and nobody told him to fuck off or stop for good. Ever. So he continued. And continued. The rare times I’ve been left alone… Nobody really talked to me or paid attention to me. … I didn’t talk to my family because at this point it was just… A miserable story every day to tell them that I stopped bothering. I was… I was so sure it was my own fault for all the problems I’ve been getting. Until…”

He hides his face in his hands, never finishing this phrase. But. It was probably easy to guess.

“I’m a ruin, Abel. I just… If there was some lesson out of it… I sure didn’t get it. I’m just a short tempered guy who’d rather run away than dealing with things properly. I don’t know how to… Fix things without… Making it worse. I can’t have a normal conversation without it turning ugly. So I just shut up. And keep it all inside.”

Well, he did! One time. But… This isn’t that situation we’re talking about.

“I know… Lately, I’ve been in the wrong for a few things. But… I’m not… Sure… How to deal with it. How to make it right.”

And one day, when Abel will be okay enough for something else important… Vinzent will need to talk to him about things, but right now? Right now? Vinzent’s tired. He is not feeling better. And he got so much of his own problems to sort out. That he made worse by closing up over time. Until he couldn’t.

Abel Lazarus

Vinzent Mayer “I… I… I just feel guilty. For being that stubborn or… Just… I let my feelings dictate me and I d-don’t… Think twice about it.”

Hah. Yeah he gets that for sure. Maybe it’s not quite the same because Abel’s anger is a much more violent affair- but still.

“I… Don’t think we usually think twice about it. It’s easier said than done- Most people will react if they’re there to… do it. I think a therapist once told me… To walk away when I got mad.” Occasionally effective- even if he did usually still end up punching walls because he couldn’t open up enough to get Specific anger management skills. “… It gives you time to… not act on impulse.”

Vinzent Mayer “S-So… That’s… Why I didn’t… Why I don’t… Often speak up, when I should. Have, about things that bother me. Because… I’m too afraid. Until I let my emotions take over and. I-I then remember why I don’t do that in the… First place. And why I… Didn’t fight much, I was just easily overpowered so often, I didn’t… Bother to try defending myself.”

Yeah… He… Isn’t the best at specific advice here so he stays quiet- but he’s listening. Occasionally offers brief bits of affection- what he can do without feeling… Unsafe out in the open here. He’ll get his chance to feel safe again next car- but for now… not… for a while.

Vinzent Mayer “I’m a ruin, Abel. I just… If there was some lesson out of it… I sure didn’t get it. I’m just a short tempered guy who’d rather run away than dealing with things properly. I don’t know how to… Fix things without… Making it worse. I can’t have a normal conversation without it turning ugly. So I just shut up. And keep it all inside.”

“… I don’t. Think there’s a… lesson. In that, exactly. I don’t know if there’s. Ever Actually one- or at least one that… Is easy to figure out if the dots aren’t connected for you by whoever’s trying to teach it.” He half shrugs without even thinking. “You’re not a ruin.” How could he be? Vinzent isn’t intrinsically demonic or… Abel. So there’s no real excuse as far as Abel’s concerned. He can see through the things that happen to others much better than he can see through anything pertaining to him.

“… You can have normal conversations. We’ve had normal conversations. You have friends. Just… Fucking a few conversations up doesn’t really… Ruin that.” … Uh… Abel- “At least. It doesn’t always- but regardless of any of us on this train- you have people at home who care about you. Lena, your brother-” He doesn’t keep listing past that because he doesn’t have a moment to flip through to see his notes on their other conversations and remember their exact names- either way he’s sure Vinzent gets the point.

“We’re friends, Vinzent. Even if you don’t… Befriend anyone else here- you’re not ruined. This… Group of people isn’t… Everyone. Not everyone is going to be a Viper- or a Melvin. Or… An Asuka. Some people are… Lena’s or Leon’s.” Okay. Hopefully his point on that is… Getting across. “… We’re not all… Going to know how to navigate every conversation we have with other people. We… Fuck up and. Say the wrong thing and. Maybe sometimes we’re forgiven for it but…”

Vinzent Mayer “I know… Lately, I’ve been in the wrong for a few things. But… I’m not… Sure… How to deal with it. How to make it right.”

“… I think a therapist told me once. That we don’t… Always get forgiven for our mess ups- but. That doesn’t mean we’re… Bad. You can try to make things right- and fix things- but sometimes. It’s not possible- or sometimes it needs time. Sometimes they never… forgive you- but they can still be around you.” Okay so it’s… partially something a therapist said- partially something Jami once told him. Not that it really matters. “Sometimes… They do, though. But it’s… Got to be on their terms. Best you can do is… Apologize and… Try to be better.”

Really good advice buddy. Think you’re going to listen to it?

… Jurys out at the moment.

“… Uh. And if none of that was… Helpful. My brother would say. ‘Go to Therapy.’ And… ’You only have you forever, so it’s better to learn to live with yourself.'” He looks down at his lap. “… He always makes it look a lot easier than it is- but… He’s doing pretty well so. I guess he might have a point.”